The Battle Within

Those who know me might be able to figure out what this deviation is about. I do believe that there is a battle raging within each person. I certainly know that there is within me.

Over the past few weeks, I have been doing some soul-searching, trying to find my way. I mean the average person has a lifetime of about 80 years or so. That's all that we have to make a difference, if we are going to make a difference at all. Shouldn't we try to make a difference then with each moment?

Of course, as soon as this topic gets started up, it starts to get shut down. There are simply some realities that must be faced. For example, like it or not, this world does revolve around money, so having a job is a requirement. That is one reason I am very grateful for being a tutor; I feel that I can make a difference while working. But, there's still a nagging feeling... while I am helping build a student's future, am I really doing anything for their forever? It's something that is still a major struggle.

Now, life is not all about one's job, even if you're like me and work about 60 hours per week, working 6 days per week (Fridays are my days "off" with only one student). There's still the downtime. That's where my real issue lies and the battle gets fiercer. On one hand, I am exhausted from the day of tutoring and just want to crash. On the other hand, I have a good half the day left, albeit split between morning and night. Over the summer, I decided that my video gaming was not worth my time since it wasn't being really beneficial besides just relaxing. (I am not really speaking against video games. I still enjoy them, just at a much more moderated level.) That was why StencylWorks coming out was so beneficial: now I can do something that has a benefit. In fact, I've started programming tutorials to help others learn to program. However, there is still housework to do and my mother's bedroom to finish remodeling.

And, there is where my inner battle is the fiercest. I can't really explain why, but I find it increasingly difficult to do things for her. There is just so much negativity there that stands in the way of me getting things done that I have gotten very close on several occasions to just "throw in the towel" and leave (tonight being one of those times if you couldn't tell). Still, I hear God calling me to keep at it, and I already had made one specific request to God: "Tell me what path you want me to take and please give me the strength to follow it." There is no mistaking that this is God's call for me, to help her out. I just had no idea how hard it would be to follow.

Now, doing a remodeling job and generally helping a person might not seem like a large task. While the demands far outweigh the thanks and the issues never stop cropping up, I do agree that it isn't totally crazy like moving to Africa or something. This is where I find the strong evidence for that inner battle. I do believe that the devil and demons exist. Whether they are involved with this, I cannot say. I can say with certainty that there is some force that is doing everything in its power to stop me from accomplishing this calling. And trust me, I don't bring up supernatural powers lightly, especially when I am relating them to myself so directly. There simply is no other reason for it.

It's not just for helping my mother out either. Through my sponserships to children for Compassion International, I receive letters from the kids I am helping. There is some very strong force that gets in the way of me responding to their letters. Even now, there is one on my dresser, several weeks old, that has not even been opened nor read. It's really pathetic, considering it takes a few minutes to read it and a bit to think of some ideas to write about and questions to ask. Each letter takes under a half hour to read and respond to, yet it's still sitting there on my dresser. In fact, I get a sick gut feeling even thinking about it.

There are other examples too, but of a different sort that I don't like discussing, where I feel a force calling me to do things I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I can find the strength to resist (primarily through prayer and music), but other times I cave in. And, the stronger I fight to do the positive, the stronger that pushes me to do the negative.

These inner battles are very real, even if we cannot see them. They affect our very lives in how we choose to live. The question is if we will give in and take the easy way out or ask God for the strength and fight with all our might to be everything we were meant to be.